I'm so smart, aren't I?
Ugh. This is why I hate myself. I can't do anything right.
But, there's always tomorrow, so... I guess I just have to look forward to it. What's done is done.Continue readingshow less...
Hah, okay, I'm in a better mood than most days thank fuck.
Today has been quite the adventure, to say the very least. If you came here from entry four, then you'll understand why. If not, go read entry four, ya friggen weiners.
To summarize it, my day has been slightly eventful, and I got out of my yearly physical checkup/examination.
So I have that going for me.
And at about 5:30 to 6:00 I'll be out at Outback getting food.
Okay okay fuck this I need to explain my "emotionless behaviour".
For every hour I'm not with my boyfriend, who's the only one who makes me feel like I mean something, and the only one I feel actual emotions like happiness around, I become more and more apathetic. When I'm with him, I give a shit about other things like my appearance and hygine, mental health, making him happy; I care for things.
When I'm not with him, I stop giving a shit about those things and become something resembling a soulless vessle. Like my personality just decided to jump off of a roof and leave me here with no idea of emotions. I can sure as hell fake them; I use emotions in my typing constantly because I want people to think that I'm fine so they don't poke their noses in my business, but it's not as if I feel them personally. I just put up a mask.
When I'm not with him, I also become more self-reserved.
I am highly aware that I am dependant on him for emotional structure, and do give myself pep-talks about "what if he leaves me?" and such. However, it often makes no difference to me. If he leaves me and I become a complete emotionless wreck, then what can I do about it? Cry? Yeah, no. It takes so much to make me cry.
Huh. I never really realized how detached I am.
I guess this is what bullying does to the victim.
#milestone On Quotev, with the story I'm writing called "It's Stopped Being "Just A Story"", I managed to keep up with it today. I think I may be able to stably update it throughout the days if I can get my lazy emotionless ass to do it. Well, okay, I'm not entirely emotionless at the moment, but the "emotions" I feel just seem... Forged. All it was happened to be minor annoyance with my mom and her empty threats cuz' she didn't tell me to let my fucking grandparents in.
Yeah I live with my mom. I'm literally 13 what the hell do you want to do about it, fuckin sue me? Good luck with that, friend!
[I'm too cocky for my own good.]
I should just rename this journey to my "Tragic Backstory™" and hold it privately.
"You need to be a level 5 friend to unlock my Tragic Backstory™."
#milestone I managed to go a whole day without having a mental breakdown or coming onto the verge of tears! My ability to control my displayed emotions is becoming severely powerful. I'm started to become less and less worried that it'll turn less into internalized emotions, because while I'm controlling them, they don't seem to stick around because of what I tell myself.
"The emotions are all in your head."
"It's just a chemical reaction to the events; ignore it and move on."
"You don't need this."
"You're only a child; would you rather be overly emotional and talk bullshit in the future, or be almost nonexistently emotional and state the truth?"
"Don't respond with your emotions."
It's honestly more of the voices in my head that decide they like me and want to stick around, but hell, they DO become helpful in upsetting situations. And then other times it just... Happens without my knowledge at all.
I don't mind, I guess.
So, small side-note here. The creator of this website, Mohamad Ayyash, seems a bit more involved in his community and website than most other developers. I have a sort of respect for him right now.
- On with the entry -
I just woke up and I feel like shit. Of course I feel like shit EVERY day, but this is just one of those days where nothing that you do will make you feel better, and you just gotta get through it. In two hours, my boyfriend will be back at his home, so maybe talking to him will lighten my mood.
Oh, did I ever mention I had a partner? His name is Timothy, if you're curious. He's super sweet, but I have my doubts about him.
To add onto this entry, so I don't accidentally type too much, here's a story with an explaination regarding my feelings: It's Stopped Being "Just A Story"
It's on Quotev, and the timeline is a bit scattered, but I like to think that even though that is the case, I did a decent-enough job of explaining the story. ^^''
Thanks. [Shameful self-advertising at it's cockiest, people.]
#milestone I can safely say my depressive crash has finally reached a stabilizing point. I'm thankful. While I'm nowhere near as low as I was one month, I was getting very close to that point at some area during this.
And to think this is the second time this year I've been depressed. From November to April, and July to Now, fuck my life.
-Oh, and as a follow up toward that last bit, only the depression has stopped worsening.
My eating issues and body issues are still going downwards. Not like I care, but I might as well still mention it.